heres how to do this and heres how to do that
ill do whatever i need to on this site 

i found my old journal and must imortalize my writings!

6/17/19 10:48 pm
you said that where i was wasnt perminant
that i would soon be back in your arms
hearing the sound of your beating heart
like a drum in the far distant
beckoning me to follow

i watched you 
guiding your way through the fog
fumbling to find your next steps forward
you were beautiful
like a poem hidden by a lovestruck being

you were made to be seen that night
you were the hope my longing eyes needed
you always have been
the silence we gave to the world for those few moments, 
thats what was missing

and it must be frustrating 
to hold me while i make the promise to get better
and i know that you know i cry
everynight
but those tears do not fall on you my love
my tears fall for everytime they couldnt
the world as we know it is unkind
to you
to me
to us

this was never about me getting past this
this submerging sadness and regret
it is about both of us
you cannot deny this
but well do it

we can get through this
we will get through this
we have gotten through this



7/17/19

you couldnt fall. fall into me, with my tides and my ivory foam. i was once engulfed. put under by the pressure of the sky. i always feel like im drowning. drowning under the clouds that are the symbols of your wants.

you couldnt fall. fall into me, with my body painted in a shade of green that no one has ever seen. with the surface of my skin rising above my brittle bones that you were meant to surround.

you couldnt fall. fall into me, with my soul wrapped around an idea of becoming whole. it pierces my brain like a trapped thorn. under layers of a mixture of wants and needs.

you couldnt fall. fall into me, with my emotions continously screamings my past name. who am i? who the fuck are you? i feel so lost in my own head to the point where im crying over nothing. 

you could fall. if you needed to. if you wanted.


7/22/19

im doing just fine
thank you for asking
but if you could just keep talking
so i could have a safe place to dream tonight
if you could come over
so i could sleep inside your chest
if you could hold my hand
so i wont fade away again
if you could hold my bones
so my thoughts can merge with yours
if you could listen to me cry
so i could finally hear the beautiful notes you wrote
if you could stay here
so i could too


6/21/20

trying to reinvent a whole new life for yourself can be and is tricky. you look around and put yourself into the worn shoes of everyone you know. your enemies, your friends, your lovers, your family, the strangers whom youve exchanged glances with. and at the end of the day, there is one question that remains. am i finally becoming myself, or am i becoming you?

7:05 A.M.

its a wednesday
and im still thinking about you
the way you talk
the way you laugh
and the way you wrap around me
prey

the vivid blue from my window
makes me think that theres 
nothing but the ocean outside
you loved the water
you told me so
soaked

i hear the neighbors arguing
but i could not tell what about
they speaking a language 
that we cant understand
they are quick to not disturd
pain

this is how i always want to wake up
but with you
because you are my ocean
you submerge me in your prescence
and you are my mornings
for you are the calmness in my mind


9:49 P.M.

please dont leave me alone
please dont let me think
think about things i cant speak
the things that overflow my creases
with ooze that aches to rot my core
rot my core till im unable
to touch
to feel
to love
or trust you with my 10 million secrets

but im too afraid to ask
ask the questions with uncertain answers
questions that can go beyond you and i
when i sit down and write all these words
i realize that youve given me too much
hope
feelings
overthought outcomes
wisdom
experience
memories
although youve given me these things, 
you keep them out of reach still
without you i feel empty
like a old seed inside unwanted skin

with you i live and grow
without you i wither and die

god i fucking miss you
your hands, so big
they could pull me up
your fingers, so gentle
guiding their way note to note
your eyes, so sad
when i look into them i cant help but have mine tear up with pools of greed
your hair, so thick
paired between my finger, the interlocking will grow stronger
your cheeks, so soft
the friction between them and the tips of my fingers makes us grow to be even more warm
your nose, so delicate
every breath you take invites me in to have it pressed up in the side of mine
your lips, so wanting
drawing me in with every drop of moisture between them
and im growing more and more through every second mine and yours arent together

you are my love
you are my lust
you are my world
you are my bestfriend
you are my mind
you are my heart 
you are my soul
please dont leave me

i need you
please dont leave me alone

i love you